Monday, July 31, 2006

Mom’s Confession


There are some things I really feel bad about and I really really need to work on changing a few of them..

1.) I feel a little bad about my too much attachment to my kids.. I hope it doesn’t mean I am holding them back and not letting them experience the outer world. I love having them around even though its heck of work & stress.

DS is almost 3 ½ but I don’t feel comfortable thinking about someone else taking care of him when I am staying home & totally capable of taking care of him. I feel like I can take better care of him then those day care people. After all I am not working so shouldn’t compare myself with working parents need to send their kids to daycare But for some reason can’t stop thinking if I am keeping DS from experiencing social life & learning other things..

2.) Both kids sleep with us.. I think If kids sleep separate we get full sleep & they learn to stick with timing & the sense the feeling of independence, still I want them to sleep with us.. Hubby likes the co-sleeping too since he is out all day and this way he feels like he is spending time with them..

This is something I don’t want to change soon.. Kids in India sleep with their parents and they grow up fine. So I want them to sleep with us as long as they want and If it was my choice I want my DD to sleep with me till she is 18, actually make that 20 or until she gets married..

3.) I feel bad when till the end of my second pregnancy I thought I couldn’t love my DD the way I do my son and after she was born she got way too much attention than my DS. Even now she gets more attention than DS since she is the younger one and a bit more dependent than DS. But every time I do something for her and DS is there watching I feel bad, very bad.. I try to do same things for both but there are things that one of them prefer so have to go accordingly and it made me feel bad lots of time even though its not my fault and they are too young to understand that I try to give both of them what they want and its their individual choice I am going by..


4.) I feel bad when I yell at them or slap them after being frustrated of telling them million times “No” ,“ Stop Bothering Her”, “Don’t do this or that”. Even though I kiss them right after (most of the times) I still feel guilty. Every time I yell at them I try to make a promise to myself to have better control over myself next time but how many times a day you can let go of things when both of them don’t want to listen. Then I think its good I yell or slap them instead of them getting hurt by doing stupid stunts & things.. As long as they are not hurting each other or themselves, I try to be patience and let them do whatever but once I see them doing something hurtfull I try to stop them, yell at them and after that the slapping comes. Even though I think I tried everything else to stop them & I had to slap them still I feel guilty.

5.) I feel bad when I am too tired with daily things and can’t pay too much attention to them right away or play with them when I think I should. I try to do my best but I get tired of doing the same boring stuff everyday & sometimes I get fed up with everything.. They don’t want to play with their toys or do any other activity at the time I am busy or just need some time but I end up feeling guilty over this..

6.) I feel bad when during naptime I tell my son to let me make DD go to sleep first so that I can spend 10 minutes with DS afterwards. To make her sleep I turn to her side to make sure she is keeping her eyes closed but the whole time I am thinking of DS who is laying down next to me on the other side waiting. I hope he understand that I can give him time when she goes to sleep and I am doing that to spend time with him.

7.) I feel bad when I do lots of things the way DD wants. Even though these are little things like choosing the song or giving her the crayon she wants (we have countless crayons still she wants what DS has). Most of the times I try to be fair and let her cry or give her something else but she is a hot headed girl and there is no way I can make her do something or take away something from her. So I had to tell my son to give her for few minutes and I will get it back from her. Even though I do this only very few times still I feel bad.

8.) When DD was a few months old I had to give her lots of time cuz she used to threw up a lot so my whole day was changing her, feeding her or holding her to avoid throwing up. I felt guilty spending lots of time with her then I use to tell my DS to sit next to me looking at album and I use to tell him “Look, when you were a baby I use to hold you too” and showed him other pictures to let him know that babies need mommy a bit more and I did the same with him too.

Now everyday so many times he say “Jab mein chotta baby tha na toh mein yeh karta tha or vaoh kartha tha” (When I was a baby I used to do this or that).. Now I don’t know if he is remembering all the things he used to do or he is missing all that including being the only one to be close to me..

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Geetu, don't feel bad. I yell sometimes too. I was insecure like u , that i don't want my kids in the day care, eventhough i work. So i decided to have a baby sitter to come home & pay more. But i have seen in Tanvi , she is too attach to the home noe, that whenever we go out, within 1/2 hr, she tells me , let's go mommy home. So after that, i have
Decided to keep tanvi to the preschool . i know it will be hard for me but for her is good & that's why i have decided to quit the job.