Absent from blogging..

I was absent from blog world for quite sometime. I thought it was going to be a short break but it turned into a very long one.

The main reason of my absence was a guest from India, who was gonna stay with us for 4 months. He was vegetarian and we hardly cook any veg food or let alone 3 meals a day. After he came, our household turned into pure Indian one, where I was just cooking Indian veg food for him, regular food for us, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I thought I will be free after that but then hubby got job in KS and we had to put our house on sale and start packing. Well didn’t start packing right away as we were gonna move in July-August and it was march end, so decided to take a little break. Went to places we hadn’t visited for a long time and the new ones that we were planning on going for a long time. Between house showing, little packing and going out, I didn’t get chance to come back.

Right when I was thinking of writing a post something strange happened. One day I was done feeding kids at night and put them in the bedroom so that I could eat, all of a sudden my heartbeat went up and a warm rush went from my feet upward. I didn’t know what was going on. It stopped in a few seconds. I thought I was having heart attack. Hubby was out. Called him to come home. By the time he came home everything was fine. Didn’t go to the hospital thinking whatever it was, it was over, why bother the kids late at night. Then it happened again the next afternoon and we went to ER. They did all kind of tests but couldn’t find anything. Came home 2 o’clock at night. It wasn’t easy even though I told hubby not to come to the hospital and told him that I will call him when its time to come home. ER report said it was because of the stress but I wasn’t feeling any stress so told them that I am not going to take any stress medicine with tons of side effects. It happened again 2 days later. Went to ER.. same thing, they couldn’t find anything. Hubby kept saying there is nothing you are fine, its all in your head. Go to India for sometime.. Yeah rite, just get rid of me the minute you get chance ;-)

I made an appointment with my doc to see if he could find something but nope.. Went to heart specialist, every report came out ok.. But I was having dizzy spells, my heart was racing few times a week.. no particular pattern but it was happening. I wasn’t stressful but all this was starting to show effects. I was scared 24hr. that something was gonna happen and I was gonna die alone with 2 crying kids for hours as hubby was (still is) busy 18hr. with his work.. What if something happen to me how will I get help.. Even if I reach hospital they won’t be able to treat me if they don’t know what was going on with me. Change another doctor. He did every possible test he could. CAT scan. Individual scans of different parts but nothing.. I was still feeling all the symptoms. Found another heart specialist who looked at my report and said I was fine.. It was just the stress that was causing all the panic. With 2 kids this happen. But I explained that motherhood is not stressful for me.. I enjoy playing mommy, mean mommy sometimes but noway it was stressful. Went to a neurologist, got MRI done. Again nothing.. Now I was really scared.. Hubby kept saying it was all in my head. I spent months crying thinking about the kids if I die. Who will take care of them.. I don’t have parents or any family. From hubby’s side its only his mother but I don’t want my kids to be raised emotionless and selfish.. I was raised by my grandmother and it was the generation gap that killed my childhood.. Don’t get me wrong; I got lots of love, endless love but noone can raise you like your parents can. It is like I was never a child. I was born grown up..

Anyways between all this we sold our house.. moved from NJ to KS.

...to be continued….